The Legend of Zelda The New Hero of Time Episode 5
by TheBigFanFics2000
Summary: In this marvelous adventure Tucker finds himself on the ass end of an ass kicking for his cheating, will he survive to face the newest foe?


The New Hero of Time Chapter Five

On the road again… But I'm sure he can wait, especially if there's funnel cake!

Last time, Tucker had left castle town and been escorted by two guards to the outskirts of Hyrule field, only to be ambushed by moblins and have the crap kicked out of him. He was then nursed back to health by the aid of some gorons, one of which was a royal douchebag. Now Tucker is continuing his journey into dodongo's cavern.

Tucker: That title description looks terrible, it doesn't say how great I am in there anywhere! It's a travesty isn't it?

Navi: Stop talking to the audience…

Tucker: What if I don't what are you gonna do?

Navi: I'll lay the smack down on you! That's what! Now, are you gonna shut up and get this done?!

Tucker: …Yes ma'am…

Navi: That's right you will!

Tucker and Navi walked into dodongo's cavern, and Tucker looked around and saw that the dungeon looked exactly like the dungeon in the game.

Tucker: Wow, it looks the same, that's a relief!

Navi: What do you mean it's the same, what's it supposed to look like?

Tucker: Like this, I was half expecting some kind of giant monster or a giant fire maze or something else that's stupid like that…

Navi: Really?

Tucker: Sure, why not?!?!?!?!

Tucker started to walk toward the middle to complete the dungeon like he'd done so many times before, but as he reached the middle, he noticed a small difference.

Tucker: Wait a second, I can't put my finger on it, but something's different here…

Navi: Different like how?

Tucker studied his surroundings for a minute, then he immediately noticed the difference.

Tucker: There's supposed to be a beamos here, why is there no beamos?

Navi: What's a beamos?

Tucker: It looks like a big eye on top of a statue that shoots lasers, but why wouldn't it be here? Unless…

Tucker looked over the side of the platform as the lava rose up.

Tucker: IT'S A TRAP!!!!!! DAMNIT!!!!!

A large ring of fire surrounded him and Navi and a dark shadow appeared in the middle of the platform. Tucker backed up as four tentacles made of dark energy shot out of the shadow and a large entity rose from the floor and it turned around and a large red eye turned to stare at Tucker. The shadow beast pulled itself out of the hole and a mouth formed and it roared at Tucker, blowing back his hair and clothes and covering him in saliva.

Tucker: Um, gross?

Navi: I just pressed my wings! What is that thing?!

Tucker: I have no idea…  
Navi: Well, should you kill it?

Tucker: Sure, I guess…

Tucker took out his sword and stared down the monster as the monster rose to its full size and flailed his tentacles around. The shadow beast swung two tentacles at Tucker, who jumped and cut one of them off. As the tentacle hit the ground, the sliced one forked into two tentacles and the beast grabbed Tucker and threw him into the fire wall. Tucker hit the wall but managed to twist in mid air and avoid falling through it, but rather hit the wall and fall away from it.

Tucker: OWWW!!!! A PUSS SPEWING BLOOD GUT IN HELL!!!!!!!

Navi: What?

Tucker: I CAN'T CURSE ON !!!!!!! GOSH DARN POOP FACE NUGGET MONKEY!!!!!!!!

Beast: Watch your language!

Tucker: Huh?

Navi: You can talk?!

Beast: Of course I can, I can talk a great bit more than you can I'm sure…

Tucker: Well, aren't you just a bag of buttholes, you think you're better than me?

Beast: I know I am…

Tucker: Oh yeah?

Beast: Yeah!

Tucker: OH YEAH?!?!?!

Beast: YEAH!!!!!

Tucker: …

Beast: …

Tucker: Oh yeah?

Beast: Are we in a loop or something?

Tucker: AHHH!!! I written myself into a corner! Gotta fake left!

Navi: Huh?

Tucker: Hey, monster, I bet I kill myself better than you can!

Beast: I can do anything better than you!

Tucker: Okay, prove it, unless you're all talk, Mr. I-can-kill-myself-better-than-you!!!!

Beast: Well, watch me, disbeliever!

The beast leapt over the ring of fire and fell into the lava.

Beast: AHHH!!!! I'M DYING!!!! AHHH!!!!

Tucker: Well, I'll be damned, he is better at it than me…

Beast: I'M BEATING YOU, LOSER!!!!! AHHHHH-

The Beast thrashed around and knocked the giant dodongo head off the cave wall. As everything fell into the lava, the entire cave collapsed and everything around Tucker fell down and the whole dungeon was destroyed. After hearing the noise, Link-goro came running outside to see Tucker standing there, surrounded by rubble and lava.

Link-goro: What the hell happened?

Tucker: Bad structural design?

Link-goro: So, get down there and kill anything that's still alive!

Tucker: I just killed a thirty-foot shadow monster and you want me to go kill something else? Damn, you malevolent bastard…

Tucker and Navi continued into the rear of the dungeon where the King dodongo was supposed to be. Tucker realized that he had no bombs so he sat down to think.

Tucker: Hmm, if I cheat to get more bombs, the king dodongo will probably just change to offset how I made the game easier… But I can't get through without bombs… I AM IN A PICKLE!!!!

Navi: What are you gonna do?

Tucker: I'm thinking damnit! Hmmmm…

Navi: Well?

Tucker: Hmmmm…

Navi: Well?

Tucker: …

Navi: …Well?

Tucker: Oh, to hell with it!!!! OCARINA OF TIME!!! BOMBS!!!

Tucker reached behind his back and pulled out a bomb, he lit it and set it on the ground and ran off to escape the explosion. After the bomb went off Tucker jumped into the hole and looked around, but he didn't see the dodongo anywhere.

Tucker: Jeez, what now?

Navi: What was supposed to be down here?

Tucker: A giant monster… Like the other one from earlier…

Navi: By earlier, you mean like three minutes ago?

Tucker: Was that the big shadow one?

Navi: Yeah…

Tucker: Doesn't ring a bell, sorry…

Navi: Idiot…

Tucker: Now, there's no need for that, you might give me a complex…

Navi: A what?

Voice: A complex… He means you'll mess him up mentally…

Tucker: (sigh) Now who's trying to kill me?

Tucker turned around and looked around but he still didn't see anybody.

Tucker: What the hell? Are you like invisible, or gay or whatever?

Voice: Look up, you moron…

Tucker looked up, expecting to see some kind of demon, or a gargoyle or something, but as he stared at his new opponent, his jaw dropped as he saw the twilight usurpur king: Zant, floating above him.

Tucker: Za- Za- Za- HhhaaAAAhhHHAahahhaaaHHAaha…. HOLY CRAP!!!!!!

Navi: Who's that guy?

Tucker: That's Zant, the next to last boss in Twilight Princess, but what's he doing here, he's not in this game… What are you doing here? This isn't your game!

Zant: Not anymore, I've taken over for that wussy Ganondorf.

Tucker: BLASPHAMY!!!!!!!

Zant: What is the meaning of that word?

Tucker: It means yer stupid!!!! Ganondorf is a much better villain than you! You're a pompous douche that throws a fit when you lose to link, which I guess will never happen now…

Zant: What? Why not?

Navi: Because this idiot killed him…

Zant: …What do you mean, he killed him?

Tucker: I fell on him, see the hat?

Zant: Wow, I guess you just made my job a lot easier, I guess I can let you live for now, I'm sure it won't come back to bite me on the ass in the near future…

Tucker: Yeah, I'm sure I won't fight you later and then kill you in a way that you won't see coming…

Zant: Yes, I'm sure you won't! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- cough! cough! hack! hack! Stupid bronchitis…

Tucker: Did you forget your inhaler Zant, or does your snake face not have a functioning nose?

Zant: Stop making fun of me! WAHHH!!!!

With that pathetic display of wussness, Zant disappeared in an explosion of energy. Tucker looked around and looked for the heart container, but he didn't see one.

Tucker: Damnit, how many enemies do I have to kill before I get a freakin' heart container? My health is getting a little low, that and I could use a sandwich…

Navi: Do you ever stop complaining?

Tucker: MAYBE I WILL AND MAYBE I WON'T!!!!!

Navi: Do you even know?

Tucker: NO I DON'T!!!!!

Navi: You love the sound of your own voice don't you?

Tucker: Yes… Yes I do… Now let's get out of this cave, it's caveness bores me, I desire more excitement and maybe some chicks who are not necessarily wearing enough clothing to cover their breasts!

Navi: Perv…

Tucker: Now, there's no call for such talk, even if it is partially true… HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Oh, I kill me!

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…

Ganondorf: Not if I do first! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Mmmm…


End file.
